|PS 3513 
.1643 
IP3 
'1919 
! Copy 1 



yVo SP/qt/s Bxchanged; 



KER'S EDITION 



H 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

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\ BAKER, 5 Hamilton 


Place, Boston 


» Mass* . 





WVVVV V VVVVVVVVVVVVV 1 



Patty Makes Things 
Hum 

A Comedy in Three Acts 



By 
CAROLYN DRAPER GILPATRIC 



NOTICE TO PROFESSIONALS 

This play is published for amateurs only. Professional com- 
panies are forbidden the use of it in any form or under any 
title, without the consent of the author, who may be addressed 
in care of the publishers. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

1919 



Patty Makes Things Hum 



ACT I 

SCENE. — Living-room at Mrs. Greene's suburban home. 
The room is furnished cozily, with a fireplace in wall R. 
Doors r. i entrance, below fireplace; another r. above 
fireplace, and another L. I entrance. Window up c. 
Couch facing fireplace. Library table back of couch, 
running parallel to it. Armchair l. of table. Piano 
up u, seat in front of it. Chair l. c, another chair up 
stage r. of window. Telephone on upper end of table. 

{Telephone rings twice. At third ring, Hyacinth 
enters leisurely from r. u. e. ) 

Hy. {at 'phone). Hello. Yas'm, dis am Mis' Greene's 
house. Dis am Hyacinth talkin', — Hyacinth. What 'm? 
Mis' Greene ? No'm, she's done gone to de manicure's, — 
dat's whar dey cuts nails an' makes 'em shiny. Yas'm. 
She said she'd be home by fo' o'clock, ma'am, an' it's dat 
now. Yas'm, she's habin' a dinner-party to-night, ma'am. 
Mr. Hoover? No'm, — he ain't invited. Her brudder, 
Cap'n Little, he done got hisself degaged to Miss Can't- 
wait, an' dis here's a nonsense party. What 'm? A 
'nouncement party? Yas'm, dat's it. All right, ma'am, 
good-bye, ma'am. {Door-bell rings off l.) Fo' de law's 
sakes, it's firs' de telephone bell, den de door-bell all dis 
day. Dat wuthless grocer's boy has done fergot some- 
pin', I spec. [Exit, r. u. e. 

{Door-bell rings again. Enter Mrs. Smith and Miss 
Dunbar, l.) 



6 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

Mrs. S. (coming a). Doris! Where are you? 
(Miss D. pauses l.) 
Enter Hy., r. u. e. Comes R. c. up stage. 

Hy. Mis' Greene, she's at de manicure's, Mis' Smith. 
She said she'd be back by fo' o'clock sure, so you an' 
Miss Dumper jes' set down an' wait a HT while. 

[Exit, R. u. e. 

Miss D. Isn't she dreadful ? She insists upon calling 
me Miss Dumper. 

(Goes to window-seat and sits. Telephone rings. 
Mrs. S. goes to 'phone, back of table.) 

Mrs. S. What? Yes, but Mrs. Greene is not here. 
The fish market ? Lobsters ? Mrs. Greene is expected at 
any moment. I'll have her call you when she comes in. 
(Rings off.) I hope they aren't going to disappoint hen 

(Takes up magazine from table, looks at it, and sits in 
chair L. of table.) 

Miss D. That would be a shame, wouldn't it? I just 
love lobsters. Don't you think Captain Braithwaite is 
stunning looking? 

Mrs. S. Speaking of lobsters? (Laughs.) I cer- 
tainly do. If I weren't already married I'd fall des- 
perately in love with him. 

Miss D. (sighing). I've been crazy to meet him. 
(Looks out window to l.) Oh, Sally! there he is now! 
He's coming here. What luck ! 

Mrs. S. Here? 

Miss D. He's coming up the walk. Isn't it exciting? 

Mrs. S. (smiling). Very. Now don't go and lose 
your head over him. These army officers are dangerous 
creatures, you know. 

Miss D, That's what makes them so exciting. 

(Door-bell rings off l. Enter Hy., r. u. e.) 
Hy. (crossing stage). Dey ain't no rest fo' me dis 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 7 

yere day. Ma feet's mos' wore out trompin' back an* 
fo'th to de door an' de telephone. (At door.) Howdy 
do, Cap'n? Mis' Greene, she's out jes' now, but you jes' 
step in an' wait a while. 

Tom (entering l., followed by Hy.). I suppose Cap- 
tain Little is out? 

(Mrs. S. rises. He sees ladies and bows. Comes l. c.) 

Hy. (l.). Yas, sir, he's out wid yo' sister, but you 
jes' wait a minute. (Goes up to door R. u. e.) 

Mrs. S. How do you do, Captain ? I want you to 
meet my sister, Miss Dunbar. 

(Exit Hy., r. u. e. Miss D. comes to l. c.) 

Tom (crossing r. c, shaking hands with Mrs. S.). I 
am delighted to see you, Mrs. Smith, and your sister. 

(Bows to Miss D.) 

Miss D. (l. a). I've heard so much about you, Cap- 
tain Braithwaite. 

Tom (c). Indeed? 

Miss D. You and Captain Little are great friends, 
aren't you ? 

Tom. I admire Captain Little very much. 

Miss D. And your sister, — I think she is a dear. 

Mrs. S. Captain Little is very attentive to your sis- 
ter, isn't he ? 

Miss D. Are they engaged? I won't tell a soul if it 
is a secret. 

Tom. She hasn't confided in me yet, so I can't tell 
you. 

Miss D. Just the same, I think they are engaged. 
You can always tell. Oh, Captain Braithwaite, have you 
seen the rhododendrons? They are just in the height of 
beauty now, and you must see them. Come and look at 
them. (Goes l.) 

Mrs. S. Yes, do show them to him, Hope. 

Tom. If you will excuse me (Bows to Mrs. S.) 

Mrs. S. Certainly. (Exeunt Tom and Miss D., l. 
Mrs. S. sits again r. c.) Oh, dear, sometimes I wish I 
wasn't married. There's nothing romantic about Frank- 



8 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

lin. (Sighs.) I suppose I might as well do some 
knitting while I'm waiting. 

(Takes sock out of bag and knits.) 

Enter Hy., r. u. e. Comes down c. 

Hy. Dat Mis' O'Connell ain't come yet, Mis' Smith. 

Mrs. S. Who is Mrs. O'Connell? 

Hy. She's de commutator. 

Mrs. S. Commutator? (Laughs.) Do you mean an 
accommodator ? 

Hy. Yas'm, dat's what I said. 

Mrs. S. And she hasn't come yet? 

Hy. No, ma'am, she ain't come yet. [Exit, r. u. e. 

Mrs. S. Dear me, that's a shame. (Enter Mrs. 
Greene, l.) Here you are, Doris. 

(Rises and goes toward Doris.) 

Doris (meeting her a). Oh, Sally, I'm so glad to see 
you. (Kisses her.) 

Mrs. S. I just ran in to see if I could do anything 
for you. (Moves R. c.) So many things always go 
wrong when one entertains. 

Doris (removing hat, etc.). No, thank you, dear. I 
don't think there's anything you can do. Everything 
seems to have gone all right so far. (Takes off hat.) 

Mrs. S. Oh, Doris, the fish man called you up, and I 
told him you'd call him when you came in. 

(Sits in chair L. of table.) 

Doris (goes up l., puts hat, etc., on piano; going to 
'phone) . I hope there isn't any trouble about the lobsters. 
(At 'phone.) Hello, hello, — operator, where are you? 
Isn't the service frightful, Sally? I have to wait ages — 
hello — give me Winchester. 217, please. (Aside.) Oh, 

if they can't get the lobsters (In 'phone.) Hello. 

Pollock's Market? What ! You can't get them? But I 
told you two days ago. You've got to get them. I don't 
care. If you don't get them here by half -past five I'll 
never trade with you again. Well, that's your lookout; 






PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 9 

you've simply got to get them somehow. I can't have my 
dinner without them. {Rings off.) Isn't that disgust- 
ing ? He's got to get them. 

Mrs. S. Isn't it always the way when you entertain? 
Did your dress come home, dear ? 

Doris {comes l. c). Yes, thank goodness, it came 
this morning {sits l. c), and it's a wonder; but the bill ! 
I'm afraid I'll have to go to some one else, for her prices 
are outrageous. 

Mrs. S. That's always the way. If you're satisfied 
with the work the prices are frightful, and if you're satis- 
fied with the price the work is frightful. 

Doris. Well, what can we do about it? {Rises.) 
Excuse me, dear, while I see how things are going on in 
the kitchen. Mrs. O'Connell is a perfect jewel — I never 
could have given this dinner without her, — Hyacinth is 
so stupid. [Exit, r. u. e. 

{Telephone rings.) 

Mrs. S. {rises, goes to back of table; at 'phone). 
Hello. Yes, this is Mrs. Greene's house. No, this isn't 
Mrs. Greene, but I'll call her. Just a minute. {Goes to 
r. u. e.) Doris ! telephone ! {Returns to her chair l. of 
table and sits.) Now if that woman can't come I pity 
Doris. 

Enter Doris, r. u. e. 

Doris. I can't understand it. Mrs. O'Connell prom- 
ised to be here at three o'clock, and she hasn't come yet. 
{At 'phone.) Hello, — who is this? Mrs. Murphy? 
What! She can't come! Why, I have a dinner-party 
to-night, and she was to get dinner for me. Sick ? Well, 
I suppose the poor woman can't help it, but what am I 
going to do? {Rings off.) What do you think of that? 
No one to cook my dinner for me. Oh, Sally, what in 
the world shall I do ? Hyacinth is simply hopeless. 

{Looks worried.) 
Mrs. S. Doris! {Rises, crosses l. c. and turns.) 



10 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

I'll go right home and get Nora. She was going out but 
I know she'll be glad to get dinner for you — she ought to, 
at the price I'm paying her. You know what a wonder- 
ful cook she is. 

Doris (comes c). Sally Smith! You have saved 
my life. You absolute angel-child ! I always loved you 
before, but now I adore you. (Embraces her.) 

Mrs. S. Do you feel my wings yet? I actually be- 
lieve they're sprouting. 

Doris. Sally, you darling! 

Mrs. S. Well, dear, I'll run along and get my jewel, 
and be back in half an hour, at most. (Goes to l. door.) 
Oh, Doris (turns), Captain Braithwaite called, and Hope 
took him out to see the rhododendrons. If he doesn't 
want to see you for anything important we'll take him 
along with us. 

Doris (follows Mrs. S. to l.). All right, dear, I 
haven't time to entertain him now, so take him along. 

Mrs. S. See you later, dear. 

Doris. Good-bye, dear; thanks a thousand times. 
(Exit Mrs. S. Doris crosses and drops in chair by 
table. Fans herself with magazine. Telephone rings. 
Doris rises, goes to back of table; at 'phone.) Hello. 
Oh, it's you, dear. What ! That's just where you guess 
again, Robert Greene. You'll be out here by six o'clock 
at the latest. Why, the dinner-party, of course. How 
could you forget? Now don't you dare to forget the 
chocolates and the cigars. Good-bye. (Rings off, sighs y 
and comes c.) My word! Is that all? I shall be a 
nervous wreck if anything more happens. Deliver me 
from entertaining after this is over. I'll go back to the 
simple life. 

(Fusses about room, arranging things on table, etc. 
Enter Hy., r. u. e. Comes c.) 

Hy. (a). She ain't come yet, ma'am. 
< Doris (straightening things on table*, a). Oh, Hya- 
cinth, Mrs. Smith is going to bring Nora over to get 
dinner. Mrs. O'Connell is sick. You'll help all you 
can, won't you ? 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM II 

(Goes to fireplace; arranges things on mantel.) 

Hy. (c). Yas'm, I'll help. Mis' Greene, a lady 
called you up on de telephone while you was at de mani- 
cure's, an' wanted you to buy some tickets for a criss- 
cross bridge, or somepin'. I jes' cain't remember her 
i name now — Mis' — Mis' — Cobbler, dat was it. 

Doris (r.). Cobbler! Why, I don't know any one 
named Cobbler. (Thinks.) Do you mean Shoemaker? 

Hy. Yas'm, dat's de name. I knowed it had some- 
pin' to do wid shoes. 

Doris. What did you tell her? (Turns.) 

Hy. I tole her you'd gone to hab yo' nails cut fo' de 
party, an' she said, " What party ? " an' I says, " Why, 
she is habin' a swell dinner-party to-night fo' her brudder 
an' his fancy. (Doris sinks on couch.) 

Doris. His what ? Oh, mercy, you mean his fiancee. 

Hy. Yas'm, dat's it. 

Doris. And you told her I was having a dinner- 
party, — heavens! That woman will never forgive me 
for not inviting her. Hyacinth, you certainly have the 
most glorious faculty for putting your foot in it. 

Hy. Yas'm. 

Doris. Well, I suppose it is too late to help that. 
(Door-bell rings; Hy. goes to l.) Now, who is that? 
(Goes to window.) It's the florist. (Comes down r. c.) 
The flowers have come for to-night, so I'll arrange them 
before I go up-stairs. (Hy. goes out l.) 

Hy. (off stage l.). For de lan's sake, ma'am, did you 
order dis? 

(Brings in funeral wreath or set piece. Comes c. ; 
gives wreath fo Doris.) 

Doris (r. c. ) . Merciful heavens ! What in the world ! 
Why, it's a funeral wreath ! (Goes to l. door.) Here, — 
stop ! I'm having a dinner-party to-night, — not a funeral. 

(Looks at wreath, comes r. c, reads sentiment on it 
and laughs weakly. Enter Miss BrAithwaite and 
Captain Little l. door. Hy. is up c. Miss B. 
pauses l. above door.) 



12 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

Fred (l. a). What in thunder! Well, for the love 
of Mike, what's that? 

Doris. Oh, Fred, they've sent me a funeral wreath 
instead of the flowers I ordered. {Hands wreath to 
Fred.) Isn't that terrible? I'm glad I'm not super- 
stitious. Come in, Helen, I'm glad to see you. 

(Helen crosses to Doris, r. c.) 

Fred {reading), "I will come again." {Crosses to 
door l.) Well, you'd better come again, and bring the 
right flowers. Isn't there a mistake in the name? 

Doris (r. c). It must be the other Greenes; we're 
always getting mixed up with them. {Crosses to door.) 
Isn't it for N. G. Greene ? 

(Helen to R. front of table.) 

Boy {outside, unseen). Yes, ma'am. 

Doris (l.). Well, this is R. E. Greene, and I ordered 
sweet peas. {Goes back to Helen.) 

Fred {laughing). I'm afraid that would give your 
guests indigestion. Here, boy, take this doleful thing 
away and straighten things out. 

{Hands wreath out door; comes L. c.) 

Doris (r. c). I didn't know that any one had died 
at N. G. Greene's, — it wasn't in the Star. 

Fred (l. c). Probably it was too late to get the 
notice in. 

Hy. {comes down a). Oh, ma'am, it must be dere 
ol' Aunt Lucy, — she done hab a shock-like de odder day. 

Doris. Oh, yes, I remember. It probably proved 
fatal. 

Fred. Yes, I should be inclined to think so. 

Hy. You 'member how dey tried to bury her a year 
ago? 

Helen (r.). What! 

{Sinks on couch. Doris sits L. of table.) 
Hy. (c, laughing). Dat was de bigges' joke I ebber 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 1 3 

heard. She done gone trabbelin' out wes' to visit some 
folks, an' while she was dere she took powerful sick, an' 
dey telegram on here dat she wouldn't lib mor'n a day, 
an' dey'd bring her home. Well, dey made all de 'range- 
ments for de funeral, hired a swell gen'lemen quartette, 
de preacher, de undertaker, de flowers, de lot in de 
seminary an' ebberyt'ing, an' went to de station to get 
de body, an' what do you think? Dar she was — big as 
life, an' twice as ugly. 

Fred (l. c, laughing). That isn't a fish story, is it? 

Hy. It's de truest story I ebber tole, Cap'n, an' any 
one in dis yere town will tell you I'se not makin' it up. 

[Exit, R. u. E. 

Fred. So now she's really died. {Laughs.) Say, — 
who had such a neat sense of humor as to put that senti- 
ment on the wreath ? "I will come again." They'll 
think poor Aunt Lucy has nine lives. {All laugh.) 

Doris {rises). Well, this won't do. I must see if 
everything has come from the grocer's that I ordered. 
You'll excuse me, Helen, won't you? {Goes up R.) 

Helen. Of course, dear. 

{Enter Hy., r. u. e.> meeting Doris.) 

Hy. (up r.). Mis' Greene, dat wuthless grocer's boy 
done brought us three cabbages instead ob lettuce. What 
does he think we'se habin', a boiled dinner? 

Fred (l. c, laughing). Good for you, Hyacinth. 

Doris {comes- down r. c). Oh, dear, what shall we 
do about it? If I call up they won't get it up in time. 

Fred. Let us look after that. We'll run right down 
and get as many heads of lettuce as we can find, won't we, 
Helen? 

Helen {rises and crosses to Fred). I'd love to go 
marketing. {He takes her arm.) 

Doris (r. c). You'd better go slow, Fred, — they're 
fifteen cents a head. 

Fred. Anything else ? Can't I bring some chocolates 
and cigars? 

Doris. No, thank you, dear. Bob's going to bring 
them. What do you think? He called up a while ago 



*4 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 



and said he wouldn't be out to dinner. If my memory 
was as short as his, I'd forget to order dinner. 

Fred. Well, so long. (They go toward L. door.) 
Now don't worry ; everything will be all right. 

Helen. Good-bye, dear. 

(Exit Miss B. and Capt. Little. Doris drops in 
chair l. of table.) 

Hy. (comes down a). Ain't he de grandes' man, Mis' 
Greene? He nebber goes off on sprees, or gets ugly or 
nuthin\ Tears like he ain't human, — he's dat good. 

Doris (seated l. of table, picks up magazine lan- 
guidly). He isn't perfect, Hyacinth, hut he's a dear. 

Hy. Yas'm; but mos' odder men am bears,— least- 
ways my men has been. You see, bein' married three 
times has helped a powerful lot 'bout knowin' how to tell 
a real, true, honest-to-goodness man from somethin' eben 
de cat wouldn't bring in. Ef dis turrable war would 
only kill off all ob dat kin', an' leab us jest de good ones 
like Cap'n Little, den it would shorely be wuth while. 

Doris (sighing). But it never does. It's always the 
best who seem to be taken. Oh, well, I mustn't think 
about such things — it will never do. Now you must run 
out and help Nora. 

Hy. Yas'm, I'll help her, but seems like she don't 
need no help, though. Don' it beat all, ma'am, how easy 
dat Nora can do things? She can cook jes' as well as 
our Jack, an' he's a reg'lar chef cook. 

Doris. Where is Jack working now? 

Hy. He's at a summer hotel down on de Cape, ma'am, 
an' he said he hoped it wouldn't be as hot as it was dar 
las' summer, 'cause it was so hot at night dey had to open 
all de transients. 

Doris. Transients ! Oh, I see — transoms. 

Hy. Yas'm, — dose winders ober de doors, — you know. 

[Exit, R. u. E. 

(Motor horn outside l. Doris rises and goes to l. door.) 

Doris (outside l.). Sally, you peach,— thanks a thou- 
sand times. Nora, you don't know how much I ap- 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 1 5 

preciate your coming. This is my first big dinner, and I 
did so want everything to go off smoothly. You make 
Hyacinth help you. Good-bye, Sally, see you at six- 
thirty. {Enters c.) There! I guess my troubles are 
over. I'll just run up and put out Bob's evening clothes 
for him, before I forget it, or he'll have the usual fit. 

(Fusses about room, gets hat, etc., from piano, and 
exit r. i e. Door-bell rings l. Enter Hy., r. u. e.) 

Hy. Nebber did see anythin' like it. Tears lak dat 
do'-bell's beswitched. (Goes out l.) 

Patty (outside). Is Mrs. Greene home? I'm her 
sister. 

Hy. Yas'm, she's home. 

Patty (enters; crosses r. c). Well, where is she? 
I want fifty cents to pay the driver. 

(Dumps suit-case on floor, r. c.) 

Hy. (l.). She's up-stairs, I reckon, gettin' ready fo' 
de party. 

Patty. What party? (Comes c.) 

Hy. Why, de dinner-party to-night fo' Cap'n Little 
an' Miss Can'twait. 

Patty (laughing). Miss Can'twait! You mean Miss 
Braithwaite, — oh, lovely ! That's the best one I've heard 
in some time. Are you a humorist, fair one ? 

Hy. No, ma'am, Fse a Baptis'. 

(Patty collapses in chair l. of table; puts her hands 
in her pockets, drawing out coin. Looks at it in sur- 
prise. Hy. moves up c, watching Patty.) 

Patty. Heavens! My missing fifty cents! Now 
how did I come to put it in that pocket ? I never put any 
in there before. Well, I suppose I'll have to pay my just 
debts. (Rises, goes to l. door.) Here you are. (Hands 
coin out door.) My, but it's hot. (Comes c, takes off 
hat and tosses it on table; sits l. of table, fanning herself 
with magazine; looks at magazine.) Good Housekeep- 
ing ! Do you read Good Housekeeping, fair one ? 



l6 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

Hy. (comes down c). No, Miss, I reads Breezy 
Stories most. 

Patty (laughing). The name sounds good to-day. 
What is your name ? 

Hy. Ma name's Hyacinth, Miss. 

Patty (choking). Hyacinth! How in the world did 
you ever happen to be endowed with such a name ? 

Hy. Well, ma mudder, she was always romantic-like, 
Miss, an* she done name all of us after flowers. 

Patty. What are the rest of you named, and tell 
me, — what is your surname ? 

Hy. I jes' tole you, Miss, — Hyacinth. 

Patty. I don't mean your first name, I mean your 
last. 

Hy. Well, ma las' name was White, — he was a wuth- 
less nigger, tho', an' it didn't take me long to see dat 
he was marryin' me for ma money, so I lef him an' 
changed ma name to Gray. 

Patty. So you believe in standing by the colors, 
Hyacinth? 

Hy. I shorely does, Miss. 

Patty. How many times have you been in love, 
Hyacinth ? 

Hy. Well, I'se been married three times, ef dat's what 
you mean. 

Patty. Only three times ? 

Hy. Dat's all so far, Miss. 

Patty, Now tell me about your flower-garden family 
Who are the others ? 

Hy. Well, dere's Snowball, an' Bridal- wreath, an' 
Sweet William, but lan's sakes, Miss, dere nebber was a 
uglier nigger in dis yere worl' dan dat Sweet William ob 
ours. He's too lazy to do anythin' but eat, an' he shore 
can eat. 

Patty. Well, who else is there? 

Hy. Den dere's Jack in de Pulpit,— we done thought 
we d shorely make a minister ob Jack, but he's workin' 
for a craterer mos' ob de time in Boston, an' he goes off 
bout ebbery month or so an' gets good an' drunk. He's a 
powerful lot ob trouble to us all, but when he's sober he's 
a reg lar chef cook, an' makes good money 






PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM l^ 

Patty. Oh, well, we can't all be perfect. 

Hy. Dat's true, Miss, we cain't, but we can all be 
puffec' nuisances, ef we don't look out. Now I got a 
sister named Narcissus 

Patty. Not really and truly? {Jumps up.) 

Hy. Yas, Miss, dat's her name. 

Patty. Do you know the origin of the flower? 

(Sits on corner of table.) 

Hy. I don't know 'bout dat, Miss, but I do know dat 

it smells powerful sweet. 

Patty (dreamily). There was a beautiful young man 
named Narcissus, who sat on the edge of a pool and 
looked at himself in the water, and he fell in love with 
his own image. 

Hy. I know a man who done fell in love wid his own 
cousin. 

Patty. But I mean that Narcissus fell in love with 
himself. 

Hy. Dat ain't no news to me, Miss, — dere ain't no 
man livin' who ain't head ober heels in lub wid himself. 

Patty. But tell me about your sister. Is she always 
looking in the mirror ? ' 

Hy. I'll tell you, Miss. Dat name shorely do fit Nar- 
cissy, for she am de vaines' gal I ebber see. She's dat 
proud she say she ain't gwine to marry no man who ain't 
got a good job, an' ebbery cent she makes she spends on 
dem slinky Georgette waists what ain't got nothin' on a 
'squito nettin', an' silk casseroles to wear under 'em. 

Patty. Casseroles! (Laughs.) Good heavens! Well, 
I'm afraid I'd do the same thing. (Jumps down; goes 
to R. IE.) Doris ! Where are you? It's Patty. (Comes 
r. c.) Oh, I'm so glad there's going to be a party to- 
night. How many are coming ? 

(Goes to l. of table; leans against it.) 

Hy. Dere's Cap'n Little an' his lady, an' Mister an' 
Mis' Smith, an' Mis' Smith's sister, Miss Dumper, an' 
Cap'n Can'twait, Miss Can'twait's brudder, an' Mis' 
Greene an' Mister Greene. 



l8 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

Enter Doris, r. i e., in negligee. 

Doris ( r. ) . Patty ! Merciful heavens ! What next ? 1 

Patty (crosses to Doris, r., kissing her). I'm so glad/ j 
I came, Doris. Hyacinth tells me there is to be a party W§ 
to-night. 

Doris. Hyacinth, you may go now and help Nora. 
(Exit Hy., r. u. e.) Now I want to know why you are 
here. 

Patty. Isn't this a hot day, Sis? I almost roasted 
coming on the train. (Goes to piano, looks at music.) 

Doris (crosses to r. c). Patty — I want to know — 

Patty. Where is Fred? 



(Goes to windozv up c. and looks out.) 

Doris. He is doing an errand for me. (Goes to 
chair l. of table and sits.) I want to know 

Patty (comes down to Doris). That colored queen 
of yours is a perfect scream. Do you know what she! 
calls Miss Braithwaite ? Miss Can'twait. Isn't that per- 
fectly delicious ? 

Doris. Patty ! 

(Patty goes to window-seat; kneels on it.) 

Patty. How wonderful your garden looks, Sis. I 
never saw the flowers so lovely. Don't you want me to 
pick some for the table? 

Doris. Patty ! — will you kindly tell me 

Patty (rises, comes a). What an adorable negligee ) 
you have. Will you give it to me when you're tired of | 
it? I'm sick of mine. 

Doris. Patty, you must tell me, — why are you here ? | 

Patty. Because I couldn't wait another minute to see 
my darling sister. (Embraces her.) You look just as 
sweet as ever. 

Doris. I am quite sure that it wasn't to feast your 
eyes upon my beauty that you came at this particular 
moment, and you could hardly. have chosen a less con- 
venient time. 

Patty (l. of Doris). Doris, darling, am I in the way? 



H 



i 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 19 

Doris. You certainly are. Here I have a dinner- 
party on hand to-night, and everything gone wrong, and 
[hen to have you turn up is the last straw. 

Patty. But I'd just love to come to your dinner- 
party. I'm not sensitive, you know, so I don't mind if 

haven't had an invitation. (Crosses l. c.) 

Doris. You are not coming down to dinner, Patty. 
The table is all arranged for eight, and I can't have my 
|)lans upset. 

Patty (l. c). But I don't mind if I don't have a 
place card. 

, Doris. You are too young to come to the dinner, and 
you'll have to have it in your room. 

Patty. I won't have it in my room ! 

(Stamps foot; goes up l. c.) 

) 

Doris. Patty, this is a grown-up party, and I am try- 
ing to make a good impression on Miss Braithwaite and 
her brother. 

Patty (up l. a). Brother! How old is he ? 

(Comes down a) 

Doris (severely). I don't know, and it doesn't matter 
i;n the least how old he is. He's a captain in the British 
■army, and very dignified. So is she, and I won't be 
humiliated by you. You know perfectly well that you 
can't sit still or keep still a minute, and you always man- 
age to say the most dreadful things. I won't have my 
dinner-party spoiled. 

Patty (c). I won't open my mouth. Please, Doris. 

Doris. That is impossible. Now tell me, — were you 
jexpelled from school? 

] Patty. Sister darling, how can you think such things 
jabout poor little innocent me ? 

(Moves about uneasily; goes up to piano and moves 
music. ) 

Doris. Answer me. Were you expelled from school ? 
(Patty strikes terrible chord on piano. Doris puts hands 



20 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

over ears; rises; goes up c. to Patty.) Patty ! Answer 

me immediately. 

(Patty sits on piano stool.) p 

Patty (swinging about on stool). Well, not exactly L 
expelled, but they seemed to think I needed a little change, J 
so I thought I'd come to see you. 

(Crosses around Doris up to window and looks out.) 

Doris (follows her up). What did you do ? 
Patty. I didn't do anything. 

(Goes to table, picks up book, then walks about; crosses 
to L.) 

Doris (up a). You might as well tell me now as 
later, Patty. I have a great many things to do, and II 
think you are very thoughtless to waste my time like this. / 
(Comes down r. and sits on couch; Patty crosses R. 
front.) Now stop tramping about the room and sit down 
and tell me the truth. What did you do ? 

Patty (sits down heavily on couch above Doris. 
Doris jumps). Well, they were always harping on be- 
ing perfectly natural, and last night Florence and I let 
ourselves down the fire escape and went down to the 
drug store for a soda. 

Doris. Alone ? 

Patty. We started alone, but we just happened to, 
meet two boys we knew. (Doris sniffs.) They were I 
corking nice boys, — you needn't be so snippy about it. 

(Gets up; goes a, back of table.) 

Doris (turning and looking at Patty). Now don't be 
silly, Patty. They may have been very nice boys, and all 
that, but rules are rules, you know. Go on. 

Patty -(sits l. of table). Well, we couldn't get rid of 
them, so we walked along together to the drug store and 
had a soda, and of course Miss Grant had to come in 
while we were there. Hateful old thing! 

Doris. I suppose you were afraid to go home? 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM %l 

Patty. You know how quick-tempered Dad is, and 

f how weepy mother is, and I just couldn't bear to see them. 

I Doris. So you thought I'd take you in until it blew 

over? 

! Patty. Oh, Doris, if you only knew how hateful they 

are at school you wouldn't blame me. They're always 

prating about our being natural, and then when we are 

they expel us. {Claps hand over mouth.) 

Doris {rises; crosses back of table to c). Patty, 
when will you stop being a child and begin to grow up ? 

Patty {jumping up and crossing to l. a). I don't 
want to grow up if I've got to be as hateful as most 
grown-ups. 

Doris {up a). That will do, Patty. {Points to R.) 
Go to your room, and remember that you are not coming 
down to dinner. 

(Patty crosses to r. i e. stormily and exits.) 



CURTAIN 



24 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

{Goes up c. to window, stands dejectedly, looking out, 
hands in pockets.) 

Doris. It certainly is in a mess. Hyacinth hasn't 
come yet, and I guess I'd better start getting breakfast 
ready, ©r things will look blacker than ever. 

{Goes to R. u. e.) 

Fred. I didn't sleep a wink all night. 

Doris {turning at door). You can't make me believe 
that, for I heard you snoring. 

Fred. You may have heard Bob snoring, but not me, 
for I didn't sleep one minute all night. 

Doris {comes c. to him). Why, what's the matter? 
Was the dinner too much for you? Why didn't you ask 
me for a soda mint? 

Fred {fiercely). A soda mint! Our engagement is 
all off. {Goes down l.) 

Doris (c). Nonsense, Fred, it will be all right. 

Fred. No such luck. {Paces to R.) It's all off, I 
say. 

Doris (a). Now, Fred, you can't tell me that a girl 
who is as much in love, with you as Helen is won't give 
you a chance to explain. Call her up after breakfast and 
talk to her, or run over and see her, and have it out with 
her. 

Fred. I'll call her up now, — I can't wait until after 
breakfast. {Goes to f phone around R. of couch.) 

Doris {going lo r. u. e.). Well, I'd better start break- 
fast. [Exit. 

Fred {at 'phone).' Hello, hello, — Winchester 318. 
Hello, may I speak to Miss Braithwaite? Oh, very well, 
I'll call later. {Rings off.) I'll bet she's awake but 
won't talk to me. {Strides angrily down l.) 

Enter Patty, r. i e., in negligee. 

Patty (r.). Good-morning, little sunshine. 
Fred (l., disgustedly). Yes, lovely morning. 

( Turns back on her and goes up c. Kicks hassock out 
of the way.) 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 2$ 

Patty (r., yawning). I'm so sleepy I hated to get up. 
Fd have had my breakfast in bed if I'd been urged. 

(Sinks on couch.) 

Enter Doris, r. u. e., with frying-pan. 

Doris. Well, you won't be urged, that's one sure 
thing. If you want anything to eat you'll have, to cook 
it yourself. (Comes down c.) 

Patty (on couch, yawning). Why this lapse of hos- 
pitality, gentle sister, and why the frying-pan ? 

Doris (a). Hyacinth hasn't come yet. 

Patty. Does she come by the day ? 

Doris. She is supposed to. 

Patty (calmly). Evidently this isn't one of her days. 
(Jumps up; goes down r.) Let me set the table. 

Doris (a). That seems to be your line just now. 

Patty (r.). Doris, please (Comes c.) 

Doris. I must say, Patty, that I am ashamed of you. 

Patty (r. c, defiantly). Well, I went to your old 
dinner-party, didn't I ? 

Doris. You dressed up like a common waitress, when 
you knew you had me at your mercy, flirted outrageously 
with Captain Braithwaite 

Patty. I did not ! 

Fred (up a). Oh, no! 

Doris. Everybody noticed it, and I was so mortified 
that I decided then and there that you would go home 
to-day. 

Patty. Oh, no, Doris, please — I can't bear to miss the 
garden party to-night. 

Fred (turning angrily; goes down l.). That's a small 
enough price for a broken engagement. 

Patty (r. c). Now you know you were enjoying it 
yourself, Fred Little, until Miss Braithwaite caught you 
kissing me, and wouldn't listen to either of us. Stupid 
thing! Any idiot could tell whether a man was kissing 
his own sister or some one else's sister without being 
told. 

Doris (c). That will do, Patty. Please set the table 
and we will settle this after breakfast. 



26 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

(Goes toward r. u. e.) 

Patty (goes up c). I'll tell you what we'll do. Let's 
have breakfast in here on the tea wagon. That will save 
lots of trouble. 

Doris (up r.). For once in your life you have had a 
practical thought. [Exit. 

Patty (c). Dear me! I don't seem to have made a 
very good impression. (Goes to Fred, down l., puts 
hand on his arm.) Now, Fred, do cheer up. She isn't 
such a fool as to throw over a perfectly good man like 
you, — especially when they are so scarce. 

Fred (pushing her away). Go away, you flatterer. 
You're not popular just now. 

(Patty goes to r. u. e., makes face at Fred, and exits. 
Fred paces to r. and back to l. Enter Doris.) 

Doris (up r.). How long do you want your egg 
boiled ? 

Fred (l., absently). Oh, three or four hours. 

Doris. Hours ! 

Fred (turning). Did I say hours? 

Doris. You certainly did. Poor lovesick boy ! 

Fred. Darn it all, I'm just about crazy. (Crosses R.) 

Doris. Now, don't worry, it will be all right. 

[Exit, R. U. E. 

Fred. Oh, yes, it may come out all right, but in the 
meanwhile I shall be a fit subject for Danvers. (Goes 
up l. c. Enter Patty, r. u. e., with tea wagon and break- 
fast things.) Is that the conventional rig for a waitress, 
or are you contemplating another role? 

Patty. I haven't had any yet. We'll be lucky if we 
get toast. Hyacinth is evidently indisposed. 

(Pushes wagon down c.) 

Fred. She'll show up later. 

Patty. Perhaps she's afraid of the rain. (Puts 
chairs about tea wagon.) Colors are very fugitive just 
now, you know ; on account of the war. 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 27 

Fred {down to card table l. c, closing table). Well, 
she doesn't seem to be a fast color. 

Patty {arranging tea table and laughing). Say, 
wasn't Miss Dunbar furious with me last night? She 
was trying her best to fascinate him, and it was terribly 
exciting to make him smile at me. 

Fred. But the look Doris gave you when she dis- 
covered who the fresh little waitress was — wasn't it a 
scream? {Takes table up R.) 

Patty (r. c, in mock prayer). Friends are requested 
not to send flowers. {Laughing.) And she didn't dare 
give me away because she was anxious to impress the 
Braithwaites. 

{Goes back of wagon, arranging plates, etc.) 

Fred {comes down l. c). Won't Tom be crazy when 
he finds out that the waitress he flirted with was my 
sister ? 

Patty. • Don't you dare tell him ! 

Fred. Of course I'll tell him. Did you think for a 
minute you could get by with that? 

Patty. I could never face him after that, and I never, 
never could face his sister — oh, heavens ! 

{Runs out r. 1 e. Fred laughs, goes l., pauses, and 
then goes to f phone.) 

Fred {at f phone). Hello, hello, — oh, beg pardon. 
This blamed line is always busy. I never saw such rotten 
service. {Crosses down l.) 

{A series of explosions are heard off r. of stage. 
Patty runs in r. i e. ) 

^ Patty (r.). What was that, for heaven's sake — the 
Germans ? ( Comes r. c. ) 

Fred (l.). Ready, aim, fire! Sounds like target 
practice. I'll go and reconnoitre. 

{Goes up l. Exit, r. u. e. Patty goes to R. u. e., runs 
into Fred and Doris entering.) 



28 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

Doris. Go and look at the kitchen, Patty. 

(Exit Patty. Doris sinks in chair r. c. Fred goes 
down l. Patty reenters, laughing. ) 

Patty (comes a). What in the world are you trying 
to do — interior decorating? 

Doris (seated r. c). Did you ever see anything so 
funny in your life? Oh, those eggs! 

Fred (l.). But what were those shots? 

Doris. Why, the eggs exploded. 

(Laughs. Patty is c, back of wagon.) 

Fred. Eggsploded? What do you mean? 

Doris. You see, I started to boil some eggs, and they 
must have been some of those we put down in water 
glass last fall, instead of fresh ones. 

Fred. But that doesn't explain the pistol shots. 

Doris. You see, you have to prick a hole in them, if 
they're the water glass kind, before you boil them. 
(Patty goes up to window, laughing.) I guess I'd 
better scramble the rest of them. (Rises.) 

Fred. By the looks of the kitchen I should say they 
were scrambled already. 

Doris (r. c, sighing). Oh, dear, I thought this room 
looked bad enough, but the kitchen! 

(Goes toward R. u. e.) 

Fred (l.). Remember, if they try to go over the top 
again, send for me. 

Doris (up r., saluting). Aye, aye, Captain. [Exit. 

Patty (going to library table, picks up papers, puts 
under arm and circles stage, crying). Eggstra ! Eggstra ! 
Morning Eggstra ! 

(Puts papers down, goes to tea wagon, hands toast and 
coffee to Fred. Sits r. of wagon. ) 

Fred (who has been laughing at Patty, comes for- 
ward and sits at table l.). Thanks— is this a cafeteria 
affair ? 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 29 

Patty. I guess it's a daffyteria affair. 
Fred (sarcastically). Cunning thing ! 
Patty. You may as well start in now. Goodness 
knows what else may happen. 

Fred. True. But they seem pretty meager rations. 
Patty. You're lucky to get them. 

(Drinks coffee and eats toast in silence.) 
Enter Doris with covered dish, r. u. e. 

Doris. Well, nothing happened this time, so here you 
are. (Serves Fred, puts dish on wagon and sits down 
back of wagon.) Have some, Patty? 

Patty (passing plate). If you ever hear me refuse 
anything to eat, you'll know I'm not long for this world. 

Fred. I pity your husband. 

Patty. There ain't no such animal. 

Doris. Wait 'til he asks you. 

Patty. Oh, but he'll never 

(Stops in confusion.) 

Fred. Won't he ever ? 

Doris. You gave yourself away then. 

Patty. I didn't say anything. 

Doris. Of course not. (Winks at Fred.) But any- 
way, a dignified man like Captain Braithwaite would 
never propose to a girl who would dress up like a common 
waitress, flirt outrageously with a strange man, disgrace 
her sister 

Patty. Help! Help! Is there a Catholic church 
near here? 

Fred. It would take more than a confession to ab- 
solve you, young lady. 

(Patty looks meek. They all eat in silence. Door- 
bell rings. Exit Patty in haste, r. i e. Enter Mr. 
and Mrs. Smith and Miss Dunbar, l.) 

Mr. S. Well, good-morning, folks — are you all alive ? 

(Pauses l. Fred rises; goes to Mr. S. Miss D. 
crosses back of Doris to r. c.) 



30 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

Mrs. S. (crosses to Doris). We had such a lovely 
time last night — what in the world are you doing? 

Miss D. (r. c). Breakfast? 

Doris (seated). Hyacinth hasn't shown up yet. 

Mrs. S. What a shame ! We ran over to see if you 
wouldn't go in town to-day. It's such a horrid day we 
thought we might as well do a little shopping, have lunch 
and perhaps go to the movies. 

Doris. But it's pouring. 

Mrs. S. Oh, it may clear up — I hope so, for the 
garden party. What does the paper say, Franklin ? 

Mr. S. (l., consulting paper). Possible showers. 

Miss D. " Possible showers'" is right. (Goes to win- 
dow and looks out.) How are you this morning, Captain 
Little? 

(Mrs. S. crosses r. of wagon and sits.) 

Fred (l. c). Rotten. 

Doris. Fred! 

Fred. I beg your pardon. I had a bad night 

(Goes to window.) 

Miss D. I'm sorry. 

(Talks to him without response.) 

Mr. S. Where's Bob? 

Doris. He took the eight-fourteen and said he'd get 
his breakfast in town. 

Mr. S. I thought I'd take him in in the car. 

Doris. Thank you, Franklin. 

Mrs. S. (seated r. of wagon). Now, Doris, can't you 
hustle up and come in with us ? * How about Patty ? 

Doris. Patty is in disgrace. 

Mr. S. (l.). That was the greatest stunt. (Laughs.) 
The scamp ! 

Mrs. S. I don't see how she ever dared do such a 
thing. I'm sure I wouldn't. 

Mr. S. She's pretty, isn't she ? Say — did you see her 
flirting with Tom Braithwaite? 

Doris. I did. 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 31 

Mr. S. I'll bet she's a handful. 

Doris. She's more than that. Mother has a nervous 
breakdown every time Patty goes home for her vacation. 

Mrs. S. I should think she might. {Laughs.) 

Mr. S. {consulting watch). Well, if Bob's gone and 
you girls aren't ready, I'll run along and get the eight- 
forty. I'll leave the car for you, in case you go in town. 
{Crosses back of Doris to Mrs. S.) Good-bye, dear. 

{Kisses Mrs. S. and exits l.) 

Mrs. S. Good-bye, dear. Isn't he thoughtful? 

Doris. He certainly is. 

Mrs. S. Well, Doris, how about going in town ? 

Doris. I don't see how I can manage it. Hyacinth 
isn't here, and the house is a sight. The morning after 
is a painful time. 

Fred {comes down l.). I'm going to run over and see 
Helen. [Exit, l. 

Mrs. S. {rises). I'll tell you what we'll do : we'll wait 
a while and see if Hyacinth doesn't come, and then run 
off in town. 

Doris. But Patty 

Mrs. S. Take her along. 

Doris. I told her she'd have to go home to-day. 

{Rises.) 

Mrs. S. (r. c). You wouldn't send the poor child 
home in a pouring rain. She didn't mean to make 
trouble, I'm sure. Be a good sport, Doris, and give her 
another chance. 

Enter Patty, meekly, in morning dress, r. i e.- 

Doris {back of wagon). Come and help me clear up, 
Patty. 

Mrs. S. (r. c). I don't think I have met your sister, 
Doris. 

{Shakes hands with Patty. Patty crosses to Miss 
D., who comes down l. c.) 



32 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

Miss D. How do you do, Miss Little? 

Patty (shaking hands with Miss D.). I guess I'll 
have to apologize all over again for last night. 

Mrs. S. (r. c). You needn't, — we'll take it for 
granted. Really, when I found out who you were, I 
nearly expired. 

Doris (back of wagon). So did I. 

Mrs. S. Well, let's forget it, and make the best of 
things. Let me help you. (Goes to table.) 

Doris. Don't bother, Sally. Patty and I can clear up. 
We'll leave the dishes for Hyacinth to wash when she 
comes. 

(Patty takes chair from l. of wagon to l.) 

Miss D. (l.). Suppose she doesn't come? 

Doris. She'll come all right. (Takes chair from back 
of wagon up r. c. Enter Hy., r. u. e.) Well, Hyacinth, 
so you've come. 

(Hy. crosses to c. Doris comes down R. c.) 
Patty (l. c). Why the haste? 

(Mrs. S. moves to r. front of table.) 

Hy. (a). Now don't scold me, Mis' Greene. Tse 
awful sorry to decompose you, an' I wouldn't for any- 
thin', but I had to go to coort. 

Doris. To court! 

Hy. Yas'm. You see dat wuthless nigger, Mose 
White, done foller me all de ways home las' night, an' he 
an' George Gray got to argyfyin', an' 'fore I knowed it 
dey was a-slashin' each odder up, an' I got skeered an' 
run ober to Mis' Black's, nex' door, an' it was out ob de 
fryin'-pan into de fire, for dere was Mis' Black lammin' 
Mr. Black ober de head wid a bran new fryin'-pan dat 
she jest got for a tin weddin' present. I tells you, Mis' 
Greene, I knows better dan to hit a nigger ober de head 
wid anythin' dat can break. I'se had plenty ob 'speri- 
ments in dat line. 

Patty (r. of Miss D.). Were they arrested? 

Hy. -Yas'm, — dat is, Mose an' George got pulled in. 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 33 

Dey don't bodder much about argyments between man 
an* wife. Dey's too common. 

Doris. Now suppose you clear up, Hyacinth. 

(Moves chair from r. of wagon to l. of table.) 

Hy. Yas'm. I'll take out de baby carriage, ma'am. 

(Takes tea wagon to r. u. e. Smiles at Doris and exits.) 

Mrs. S. (r.). Isn't she comical? She can give you 
girls pointers on managing husbands. 

Patty. I don't intend to marry. (Goes up to piano.) 
Mrs. S. We all say that when we are sixteen. 
Patty. But I mean it. 

(Miss D. goes up to window.) 

Mrs. S. So did I. Now come on, Doris, and get 
ready to go in town. 

Miss D. (at window). I do believe it's clearing up. 

Patty (running to window). Oh, good! Let's go, 
Doris, please. 

Doris. But I can't get ready for an hour at least. 

Mrs. S. Well, suppose we run home and come back 
for you in an hour ? 

Patty {comes down a). Please, Doris. 

Doris. All right, Sally, we'll go. 

Patty. Doris, you dear! (Embraces her.) 

Mrs. S. (crosses l.). Then we'll run along, dear, and 
be back in an hour. Come, Hope. 

[Exeunt Mrs. S. and Miss D., l. 

Doris. Now I'll run out and see about dinner to- 
night, and you pick up the room a bit. 

Patty (to l. c). All right, — got an apron, Sis? 

Doris. I'll get you one. [Exit, r. u. e. 

Patty. Now if I can only keep out of trouble to-day, 
I'll be doing well. 

(Takes card tables out r. u. e. Returns with vacuum 
cleaner and duster; puts duster on table. Enter 
Doris with apron, r. u. e. ) 

Doris (comes down c). Here, Patty, now for pen- 
ance you may fix up this room. 



34 PATTY MARES THINGS HUM 

(Puts apron on Patty; attaches vacuum cleaner.) 

Patty (crosses l. c). Yes, ma'am. But I was only 
hired to wait on table, ma'am, not as parlor maid. 
Doris. Fresh ! (Turns on cleaner. Exit, r. u. e.) 

(Patty cleans rug with vacuum cleaner, singing above 
noise of cleaner a popular song. Moves r. Door- 
bell rings. Enter Hy., r. u. e. ; goes out L. E. ) 

Hy. (outside l.). No, sir, Mis' Greene don' want no 
table-cloths nor nothin' to-day, — what? a cent a piece! 
I don' care if dey was two fer a cent, she don' want 
nothin' to-day. 

(Comes back c, stops and looks at Patty, who is 
down r.) 

Patty (turning off cleaner). Was that an Armenian? 

Hy. (a). Well, he wasn't what you'd call mean ef he 
was willin' to sell dem han'some table-cloths for a cent a 
piece. 

Patty (laughing). Oh, Hyacinth, do tell me some 
more about your husbands. How did you get rid of your 
first two? 

Hy. (c). I only got rid ob de firs', Mis' Patty. De 
secon' one is dat wuthless Mose White dat I tole you 
about, who'se always hangin' aroun' tryin' to get some 
money out ob me. 

Patty. But surely you are divorced from Mose ? 

(Sits on edge of table.) 

Hy. Yas'm, I'se divorced all right. 

Patty. What did you get your divorce for — non- 
support ? 

Hy. Yas'm, miss, dat nigger was so lazy an' so mean 
dat he nebber eben bought me a ice-cream cone after we 
got married. 

Patty. You don't mean it! Now, what about your 
first, — did he die? 

Hy. Yas'm, Isoseles, he died. 

Patty. Isoseles ! 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 35 

Hy. Yas'm. Ain't dat a swell name, miss ? You see, 
his fadder was a powerful bright man, an' he heard dat 
name, Isoseles, once, an' he done took a fancy to it, an' 
called his firs' boy Isoseles, — Saucy dey called him fer 
short, miss. 

Patty. How original! A sort of human triangle, 
wasn't it ? 

Hy. No, miss, dat wasn't what he died of. De doctor 
tole me plain dat he died ob 'ledum screami.ns, an' you 
nebber heard sech screamin's as dat Saucy let out. It 
were a caution. After de funeral was ober I met a lady 
on de street dat I used to work fer, an' she ask me why 
was I in mournin', an' I tole her, an' she says, " What 
complaint, Hyacinth ? " I says to her, " I ain't got no 
complaint at all. Miss Susie, I'se puffickly satisfied. Ef 
you'd lived wid dat nigger as long as I hab, you'd be 
singin' ' Glory Hallelujah ' same's me." 

(Goes l. chuckling. Enter Doris, r. u. e.) 

Doris (comes a). Hyacinth, you'd better go and 
finish the dishes, and not keep Miss Patty from her work. 
I'll go up-stairs and straighten things out up there. 

[Exit, R. I E. 

Patty (jumping down from table). Well, Hyacinth, 
I hate to have you go, but I suppose you and I have got 
to get our work done. 

(Sighs, and straightens things on table.) 

Hy. (chuckling). Yas, miss, we'se shore got to finish 
our work. (Exit, r. u. e. Patty turns on cleaner. 
Door-bell rings. Enter Hy. ; goes to l. e. In hall.) 
Mornin', Cap'n, — come right in, sir. 

Enter Captain Braithwaite, followed by Hy. 

Tom (l. c). Is Captain Little in? (Sees Patty, 
stops.) Good-morning, Marie. 

(Hy. crosses to r. u. e. Patty turns and sees him, 
jumps, turns off electricity.) 



36 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

Patty (r. c, meekly). Good-morning, sir. 

Hy. (up R.). Marie, dat's good. [Exit. 

Tom (coming c). This is going to be a good day 
after all. 

Patty. Yes, sir. (Straightens books on table.) 

Tom. How long have you been in service, Marie? 

Patty. Not very long, sir. 

Tom. You're much too good-looking to be in service. 

Patty. Well, you're good-looking, and you're in 
service. 

Tom (rather taken aback, looks front). Not quite the 
same service. 

Patty. We both get paid for it, sir, and we both have 
to take orders without answering back. 

Tom. I never thought of that, Marie; you are quite 
right. (Crosses to l.) 

Patty. Yes, sir. 

(Turns back on him and makes face. Takes duster 
from table. Goes up to piano and dusts. Tom 
crosses up r. c. to above table.) 

Tom (above table, after a pause). Have you a family? 

Patty (turning on him, indignantly). Of course not ! 
Fm not married. 

Tom (confused). I — I mean a — a father or mother, 
you know. 

Patty. Oh, yes, — I have both, but (sighs) they don't 
seem to understand me. 

Tom (sighs). That's always the way. We are al- 
ways misunderstood. 

(Walks to fireplace; looks down sentimentally.) 

Patty. Yes, sir. (Smiles mischievously; pauses.) 

Tom (crosses to r. c. front of table). Is your father 
in service too? 

Patty. Well, he did talk about joining the State 
Guards, but he's too stout. (Dusting.) 

Tom. What was that? 

Patty. Nothing, sir. (Dusts.) 

Tom. Is he a butler ? 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 37 

Patty. Heavens! No, he's— he's a chauffeur. 
(Aside.) That's what he calls himself, anyway. 

Tom (goes up a). And your mother, what does she 
do, my girl? Does she- — er — work, or does she simply 
" Keep the Home Fires Burning " ? 

Patty. She runs a sort of day nursery for children 
whose mothers have to work. 

(Comes down to chair l. and dusts it.) 

Tom. I see — a sort of official mother, so to speak? 

Patty. Yes — so to speak. 

Tom. That's a beautiful work, isn't it, when you think 
of it ? 

Patty (meekly). Yes, sir. (Crosses to table r. c) 

Tom (c.) . It's a womanly work. 

Patty. Yes, sir. (Knocks book off table.) Oh, 
dear, how clumsy of me. 

(Stoops to pick it up. Tom runs to help her; they 
bump heads.) 

Tom (r. c). I'm sorry. Did it hurt much? 
Patty (holding head, r. of Tom). Not so very much. 
Tom. Please forgive me, Marie. 
Patty. I'll try, sir. (Dusts again at table.) 
Tom (walking nervously to l. and back to a). Isn't 
there some other work you could do, my girl ? 
Patty. Don't say " my girl " again. 
Tom. Why not? 

Patty. I'm not your girl. (Moves down below table. ) 
Tom (coming toward her). I wish you were. 
Patty. . Sir! 

Enter Hy., r. u. e. 

Tom. You little tease — you're enough to turn any 
man's head, even if you are a waitress. 

Hy. A waitress! My land ob lub, but she's at her 
tricks again. [Exit chuckling, R. 

Tom. Marie — how old are you ? 

Patty. I'm sixteen, sir. 

Tom. Sweet sixteen. (Sighs; crosses to l. c.) 



38 PATTY MAKES THINGS JIUM 

Patty (aside). I never heard Doris say that. 
(Aloud.) Excuse me, sir, I have to do this room. 

(Starts cleaner again; chases him seriously around the 
room, to his great discomfiture.) 

Tom (l. c). Merciful heavens, what a racket that 
thing makes. ( Patty goes on stolidly cleaning. ) Marie, 
will you stop that infernal noise? It drives me mad. 

Patty (shouting). And you used to guns and every- 
thing, sir. (Chases him up l. c.) 

Tom (down r. and crossing l. c. ; shouting). They 
can't compare with a vacuum cleaner. 

Patty (c). Oh, well, it takes a while to get used 
to it. 

Tom (goes to her and takes handle out of her hand). 
How do you stop the blamed thing ? 

Patty. This way, sir. (Turns it off.) 

Tom (puts cleaner out of way up r.). Where is Cap- 
tain Little, Marie? 

Patty. He's gone to see your sister. 

(Crosses to piano.) 

Tom (up r. a). It's strange I didn't meet him. 
Patty. Perhaps he went another way. (Dusts.) 
Tom. Possibly. (Goes to table, picks up magazine, 
sits in chair l. of table and pretends to read. Patty ar- 
ranges music ; puts duster on piano. Tom, rather pom- 
pously and slowly. ) War is a great leveler, isn't it, Marie ? 
I mean in regard to classes. When we come to think of 
it, we're all brothers and sisters. Just because some of 
us happen to inherit sufficient money to educate ourselves 
more than some others, we grow up with the idea that we 
are superior to those with fewer advantages. We are 
just beginning to realize that money and education and 
social position are not the most vital things in the world. 
We English have always been great sticklers for class, 
you know, but hang it all, people ought to be classed ac- 
cording to their good intentions, rather than by the title 
or the money which some one else earned* 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 39 

Patty (at piano). But your sister, Captain Braith- 
waite, — does she share your views on the subject? 

Tom. Well, I can't say. We've never talked much 
about such things; in fact, we've never talked much to- 
gether anyway — brothers and sisters never do, you see. 

Patty. *I see. Wouldn't you like me to be a sister 
to you ? 

Tom (rising eagerly; goes up to her). I'll tell you 
what I'd like you to be 

Patty. I know! (Backing against piano.) 

Tom (up c. ; taken aback). What 

Patty. If I can't be a sister to you I'll be a god- 
mother. You know all the girls are adopting soldiers 
now, and being godmothers to them. Don't you think 
I'd make a lovely godmother ? 

Tom. Well, really — this is rather surprising. 

Patty. I knew I'd shock you. 

Tom. I'm not shocked. 

Patty. Oh, yes, you are. I really must go now, — I 
have loads of things to do. (Turns to pick up duster.) 

Tom. But I'll see you soon? 

Enter Doris, unobserved, r. i e. ; she goes up r. of couch. 

Patty. That depends. 

Tom. On what? (Goes toward piano.) 

Patty. On me. 

Tom. What do you mean? 
^ Patty. You wouldn't understand. But, anyway, 
Captain Braithwaite, I've adopted you whether you want 
me to or not. 

Tom (catching her hands). Marie! 

Doris (comes above table to a). That will be about 
all now, Marie. You may go. 

(Tableau.) 
CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE. — Garden, with lanterns strung about Table 
r. c, chair above it. Garden seat or settee L. Girls 
in white gowns with red crosses on arms go about with 
baskets, selling candy; namely, Patty, Mrs. Smith 
and Miss Dunbar. Doris is seated at back of table 
on r. c. of stage, where girls come to replenish baskets 
and turn in money. A phonograph is played off back 
to imitate orchestra. 

(Fred is pacing back and forth before table, R. c, 
where Doris is seated, counting money and writing 
in note-book.) 

Fred {crossing to r. front of table). It's no use, — she 
won't listen to me. I've called her up and gone to the 
house, and she won't see me or listen to me. It puts me 
in a terribly embarrassing position when people ask me 
where she is. (Crosses l.) Fm just about crazy. 

Enter Mr. Greene, r. u. e. 

Bob (comes down c). That's perfectly apparent. 

Fred (l., turning). Well, have you, any suggestions 
to make about restoring my sanity ? 

Bob (a). That's a hopeless task as long as you are 
in love. (Crosses to Doris.) We old married people 
can laugh at you, can't we, Doris? These lovers' quar- 
rels are very painful — while they last. 

Fred (comes a). v Well, you had yours, too. Re- 
member the night Doris danced with Phil Lane oftener 
than you liked? (Goes up l.) 

Doris. I never knew you had a temper before that 
night. 

Bob. You certainly were the worst flirt. 

(Goes to back of Doris.) 

Doris. I'm glad you put it in the past tense. 
40 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

Fred (up l.). I never knew Helen was jealous. 
Doris. Most women are — and all men. 



4* 



(Looks at Bob, wickedly.) 

Fred (comes down L.). I don't see why Tom hasn't 
come — he promised he would. Do you suppose she's 
told him ? 

(Paces back and forth. Goes up l. and down l. c.) 

Bob. Why don't you call him up and get him to listen 
to you ? 

Fred. I'll do it. (Rushes toward lie.) If I can 
only make Tom see the joke he'll explain to Helen, and 
everything will be all right. Gee, I didn't sleep a wink 
last night. [Exit, R. 1 E. 

Doris. Poor Fred! 

Bob (goes c, mocking her). Poor Fred! They'll 
make it up all right, don't you worry. (Goes l.) 

Doris. But I feel terribly about it. That dreadful 
Patty 

Bob (l.). Why, where is Patty? 

Enter Mr. Smith, r. u. e. Goes c, Patty running after 
him. 

Patty (up r. c). Mr. Smith! Wait a minute. 

Mr. S. (up c, turning). What is this? Now, my 
dear girl, I've bought four boxes of candy already, and 
my doctor has forbidden me to eat it. So, can't you 
show a little mercy? 

Patty. Why, we don't expect you to eat all you 
buy — it's for the Red Cross, you know. 

Mr. S. I guess I'd have to have a Red Cross nurse 
look after me if I did. Oh, well, I suppose I'll have to 
buy another. 

(Puts hand in pocket; gives bill. Patty hands box 
to him. ) 

Patty. Oh, Mr. Smith, how generous of you. 

(Comes down r. c.) 



42 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

Mr. S. (comes down on her l.). But surely you'll 
give me some change? 

Patty (r. c). No change given this evening, sir. 

(Curtseys.) 

Mr. S. Good lord, girl — that was a five dollar bill — 
(looks at box, ruefully) and this is a ten-cent box of 
candy. 

Patty. Oh, well, all the better. Thanks ever so 
much. (Dances over to table; goes to r. of Doris.) 
Look, Doris — Mr. Smith gave me a five dollar bill. 

Mr. S. (going toward table) . This is the biggest 
hold-up game I've run across this year. You can't go 
anywhere now with any comfort unless you expect to 
get rid of all your money. 

Patty (r. of Doris). Well, you needn't complain, 
Mr. Smith. Bob says you're making piles of money in 
steel. 

Bob (l., laughing with Mr. Smith and Doris). 
There — I guess that will hold you, old man. 

(Mr. S. crosses to r. front of table.) 

Patty (crosses to c). Oh, Bob, have you grabbed 
yet? 

Bob (l.). Have I what? 

Patty. There's the most wonderful grab over there 
(points back of stage) you ever saw. Miss Braithwaite's 
aunt is in charge of it— you must see it. 

Mr. S. (r.). Where is Miss Braithwaite this even- 
ing? I haven't seen her. 

Patty. She had a terrible headache to-day, you 
know — one of those that makes you so sick you just have 
to go to bed. 

Mr. S. What a shame. 

(Goes up r. of table; Bob and Doris are convulsed; 
they go up stage a little. ) 

Enter Fred, r. i e. 

Fred (dejectedly). I can't get him — he isn't there. 
(Crosses L.) Oh, darn it all! 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 43 

Mr. S. (above Doris). What's the trouble ? 
Fred (l.). I was just trying to get Tom Braithwaite. 
Mr. S. I suppose you wanted to find out how the 
headache is. 

Fred. Headache ? Whose headache ? 

(Goes up l. c. by r. end of settee.) 

Patty (a). I told Mr. Smith about poor Helen's 
headache, and naturally you want to know how she is. 
(Crosses to r. front of table.) If I could only leave I'd 
run over and see her myself. 

Doris. I guess you'd better stay here. (Enter Tom, 
l. 1 e. Bob is up l. c. Mr. S. crosses to c.) Why, 
here is Captain Braithwaite now. Good-evening, Cap- 
tain. We've been looking for you, and Fred has been 
trying to reach you by telephone. 

[Exit Patty, hastily, r. i e. 

Tom (l., looking wonderingly after Patty). Good- 
evening, Mrs. Greene. (Crosses; shakes hands with Bob 
and Mr. S. ; crosses to. Fred, who is l.) May I speak 
with you alone? (They move to l. of stage.) 

Mr. S. I suppose we may as well go and see that 
wonderful grab Patty told us about. 

[Exeunt Mr. S. and Bob, r. u. e. 

Fred (l.). I didn't sleep a wink last night. 

Tom (r. of Fred). I don't wonder. Of all things — 
Helen told me just now, and I <ame over to have it out 
with you. I couldn't believe it of you, and I thought 
there must be some mistake. 

Doris. Oh, Captain Braithwaite (he turns), don't you 
think Miss Dunbar is an attractive girl? 

Tom (goes l. c, absently). Miss Dunbar? 

Doris. She was your partner last night, you know. 

Tom. Oh, yes — very attractive. 

Fred (l.). Stout girl, you know, with red hair. 

(Goes back of Tom and comes down r. of Doris.) 

Tom (looks front). Oh, yes, but I never cared much 
for large women, and I hate red hair. 

Doris. But Miss Dunbar is a little thing and her hair 



44 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

isn't red — it's brown. I'm afraid she didn't make much 
of an impression. 

Fred (r., winking). She tried to. How about the 
pretty little waitress? 

Tom (l. c, dreamily). She seemed a superior little 
person. 

Doris. Too superior. I discharged her. 

{Winks at Fred.) 

Tom (turning, startled). I'm sorry. 
Fred (r.). Why? 

Tom. She seemed much too nice to be in service. I 
asked her about her family. 
Fred. What did she say? 

Tom. Well, she said her father was a chauffeur. 
Fred. A chauffeur — that's rich. 

(Goes up r. laughing.) 

Tom. What's wrong? 

Fred. Nothing. What else did she say ? 

(Comes down l. of Tom.) 

Tom. She said her mother ran a sort of day nursery, 
looking after babies whose mothers had to work. 

Fred (convulsed; goes l. front of settee). Oh, lord! 
Think of mother running a day nursery ! 

Tom. I don't think I understand the joke. 

Doris. Please forgive us for being so rude, but really 
it's too funny for words. You see, the pretty little wait- 
ress happens to be my sister Patty. 

Tom. Your sister! 

(Tom turns, blankly, from one to the other as they 
speak. ) 

Fred. The little imp was playing a trick on Doris be- 
cause she wouldn't let her come down to dinner. 

Tom. I don't quite see 

Doris. Of course you don't. You see, Patty was 
suspended from boarding-school for a trifling offense, 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 45 

and being afraid to go home, because, you see, Dad is 
very quick-tempered and mother is nervous and easily 
upset, and Patty hates rows, — she naturally came here. 

Fred. Doris always gets her out of all her scrapes, 
so of course she came here. 

Doris. I was angry with her, poor child, and thought 

it would be best for all concerned 

. Fred. In short, Sis was afraid she'd spoil our party, 
because she is a perfect terror, you know, and we are 
mortally afraid of you dignified English people. 

Doris. Don't listen to him, Captain. At any rate, I 
told Patty she was too young to come to a dinner-party. 
She isn't out, you know; 

Fred. It seems to me she couldn't be out much far- 
ther. But to continue our tale, Patty bribed Nora to get 
a dress for her, and played a trick on Doris to get even 
with her for not letting her come down to dinner, and — 
see what happened ! 

Tom. Where is she now? 

Doris. Why, she was here a minute ago. Where is 
she, Fred? 

Fred. I saw her run off when Tom came in. She's 
afraid to meet you, you see. 

Tom. Why should she be afraid to meet me? 

Doris. She's probably ashamed. 

Tom. Will you present me, please? 

Fred. I'll present you if I can get hold of her. I 
think she'll be at the grab table, so we'll go there. 

( Takes Tom's arm and they exeunt, r. u. e. ) 

Enter Mrs. Smith and Miss Dunbar, r. i e. Miss D. 
crosses to c, 

Mrs. S. (goes to r. of Doris). I need some more, 
Doris. It's selling wonderfully to-night. Here's my 
money. 

(Hands money to Doris and puts boxes of candy hi 
basket.) 

Miss D. (up to l. of Doris). Me, too, Mrs. Greene. 
Where is Miss Braithwaite? 



46 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

Doris. She has a terrible headache, poor girl, but per- 
haps she'll be able to get over later in the evening. 

Miss D.' Perhaps I'm wrong, but I thought she and 
Captain Little had had a little misunderstanding. 

Doris. What made you think so? 

Miss D. Your brother seemed so embarrassed when 
I asked him where she was. 

Doris. What did he say? 

Miss D. He said she had a toothache. She seems 
to be terribly afflicted, doesn't she? (Goes up c.) 

Doris (under her breath). Cat! 

-{-She looks at Mrs. S. and both smile. Mrs. S. goes 
down r.) 

Enter Fred and Tom, r. u. e. Fred comes -down r. of 
Doris. Tom goes to c. 

Miss D. (going to Tom). Now I know you're just 
dying for some candy, Captain Braithwaite. This box is 
only fifteen cents. (Hands box.) 

Tom (gloomily extracting bill). Well, I suppose I'll 
have to buy one. 

(Hands bill to her. Fred, r. of Doris, and Mrs. S., 
down r., watch in amusement.) 

Miss D. (up a). You know we don't give any change 
to-night — it's for the Red Cross. 

Fred (r. of Doris). You'd better kiss all your money 
good-bye now. You'll never see it again. 

Tom (up c). You will excuse me for a while, will 
you not ? I have an errand to do. 

Miss D. Where are you going, Captain ? 

Tom. Just home for a few moments. 

Miss D. By the way, Captain, how is your sister's 
toothache ? 

Tom. Toothache? She hasn't a toothache. 

Miss D. I thought Captain Little said she had a tooth- 
ache — or was it a headache ? 

(Fred and Tom look at each other.) 



PATTY MARES THINGS HUM 47 

Tom. Oh, yes, she did have a headache, but I am go- 
ing to see if she won't be able to get over here later in 
the evening. (Crosses l.) 

Miss D. What a devoted brother you are. 

(Fred crosses to Tom, l. ; they pause as Doris speaks.) 

Doris. Sally, dear, where is Patty ? Did you see her 
just now? 

Mrs. S. I saw her at the grab table as Captain Braith- 
waite and your brother came up, but she skipped off 
somewhere, and I haven't seen her since. 

(Goes up; exit r. u. e.) 

Doris. The scamp ! I wonder where she is. 

[Exeunt Fred and Tom, l. i e. 

Miss D. (coming to table). Does he know about last 
night ? 

Doris. Who — Captain Braithwaite? 

Miss D. Yes. 

Doris. Yes, he knows it all now. Wasn't it a fright- 
ful mix-up? 

Miss D. Yes, but you'll see her back here in a little 
while. She won't run the chance of losing him, you may 
be sure. 

Doris. Of course it will be all right when she under- 
stands, but what will she think of us ? 

Miss D. (c). Oh, well, it's too late to worry over 
things that have happened. 

Enter Patty, r. i e. 

Doris. Where have you been, Patty ? 

Patty (to r. of Doris). I just went in the house for 
a drink of water. That punch is so sweet it makes me 
thirstier than ever. Here's my money. (Hands money 
to Doris and takes boxes.) I'd better have some more 
boxes ; Fm getting low. 

Miss D. (a). Aren't people generous? Captain 
Braithwaite just bought a box from me, and paid two 
dollars for it. 



48 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

Doris. He's very good-looking, — don't you think so? 

Miss D. I think he's stunning, d6n't you, Miss Little ? 

Patty. Why, yes, I think he's attractive, — (Miss D. 
turns away l., looking after Tom) but (winks at Doris) 
rather diffident. 

Miss D. That's just what I thought. (Crosses l., 
looking off l.) He does seem very diffident. 

Enter Hy., r. i e., dressed gaudily for street. 

Hy. (goes to c. front of table). Tse goin', Mis' 
Greene. 

Doris. All right, Hyacinth. Good-night. 

(Patty goes down r.) 

Hy. (c). Good-night, Mis' Greene. Oh, Miss Patty, 
dat Cap'n Can'twait is sho' lookin' all ober de place fo' 
you. 

Patty (r.). What do you mean? 

Hy. (laughing). You sho' made a hit wid de Cap'n, 
Miss— Miss Marie. 

(Bows elaborately. All laugh.) 

Patty. How's the flower garden, Hyacinth? 

Hy. (laughing) . You mean our fambly, Miss Patty? 
We'se all right, 'ceptin' William. I has to lock up all ma 
money at night, miss, on 'count ob his bein' a sleep- 
walker. 

Miss D. (l.). Oh, — he's a somnambulist, is he? 

(Sits l. on settee.) 

Hy. No, ma'am, he ain't nuthin' like dat. He's 
s'posed to be a Baptis', lak de rest ob de fambly. We 
don't hab no dif'rent sexes in our fambly, lak de mos' 
people,— some Methodis', some Baptis', some Luna- 
tariums, Conflagrationals/Piscolopiums, Kitchen Sciences, 
and so forth, — we all go to de Baptis' church, — dat is, 
when we goes anywheres. 

Patty. The father of one of the girls in my class is 
the First Reader in the Christian Science church. 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 49 

Hy. Law, miss, — cain't dey all read? (All laugh.) 

Patty. Of course they can read, Hyacinth. But he 
stands up like — well, like a minister in other churches, 
and reads from his book. 

Hy. I know, Mis' Greene, — he reads all 'bout Error, 
dat's it. 

Patty. What do you call an error, Hyacinth ? 

Hy. Sho', miss, Error's Christian Science f o' plain, 
ole-fashion' stomach-ache. 

Doris. I suppose that's one way of looking at it. Oh, 
what do you think? I forgot all about it — this was my 
day at the Red Cross. 

Patty. Well, this evening is for the Red Cross, 
isn't it? 

Doris. But I promised to go every Friday morning. 

Hy. Dat's where dey makes all dose vertical dresses 
fo' de soldiers, ain't dat so, Mis' Greene? Mis' Lord, 
she spends ebery Thursday dere, makin' vertical dresses, — 
though what soldiers wants ob dresses is mor'n I can 
s^e, — less'n dere lak nightshirts. 

Doris (laughing). You mean surgical dressings, Hya- 
cinth. They are to bind up wounds. 

Hy. Oh, yes, Mis' Greene, I see. I'se been won- 
derin' why dose soldiers was all hollerin' fo' vertical 
dresses. Dat's a joke on me. 

(Doubles up with laughter.) 

Doris. Don't let us keep you if you're in a hurry. 

Hy. Don' worry, Mis' Greene, I'se jest ambulatin' 
'long home. Oh, — Mis' Greene, what did de doctor say 
was de matter wid Mr. Gale? 

Doris. They called it auto-intoxication. 

Hy. I knowed somepin' would happen lak dat. He's 
dribin' dat Scrimps Boot ob his aroun' all de time. 
'Tain't healthy to dribe so much, is it, Mis' Greene? I 
tells you, rich folks has lots mo' sickness to choose from 
dan pore folks, but I says, gib dem dere sickness ef dey 
wants 'em, but gib me ma health. You cain't get eben 
wid a ornery husband less'n you hab yo' health. 

[Exit, L. I E. 



50 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

Patty (r.). I think your Hyacinth is a star. 

Doris. She certainly is a talker, but she is good- 
natured, and that means a lot. 

Miss D. (rises). Well, I mustn't loaf like this. Come 
on, Miss Patty, and sell some more candy. 

(Goes toward r. u. e.) 

Patty (following up r.). All right. So long, Doris. 

[Exit, r. u. E. 

Doris (writes in note-book; breaks pencil point). Oh, 
dear, I've broken that point. I'll have to run in the house 
and find another pencil. [Exit, r. i e. 

Enter Fred, Tom, and Helen, l. i e. Tom crosses to 
r., looking off. 

Fred (l.). Doesn't the place look well, Helen? 

Helen (l. c). It certainly does, Fred. Oh, dear, I 
can't forgive myself for being so hateful to you. 

Fred (l.). I'll forgive you this time, dear, but don't 
let it happen again. It's too painful. 

Helen. Now I'm crazy to meet your sister Patty. 

Tom (r., under breath). So am I. 

Helen (l. c). I've heard so much about her that I 
can't wait to meet her. Let's go and find her. 

Tom. By all means, let us go and find her. 

(He starts toward c. as enter Miss Dunbar, r. u. e.) 

MissD. (coming down a). Oh, there you are. I'm so 
glad your headache is better, Miss Braithwaite. Captain 
Braithwaite, don't you want to try some punch? I as- 
sure you it's delicious. 

Tom (goes to her and offers arm). I should be de- 
lighted, Miss Dunbar. 

(She takes his arm and they exeunt, r. u. e.) 

Fred (puts arm around Helen). I'm so happy, dear. 
Helen. So am I. 

Fred. I never dreamed that you could be jealous. 
Helen (drawing away from him). I wasn't jealous, 
but surely any one 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 51 

Fred. Never mind, dear, — it's all right now. 

Enter Doris and Patty, r. i e. 

Doris {going to Helen, l. c). My dear, I'm so glad 
you've come. Will you ever forgive us dreadful people ? 

{Takes her hands.) 

Helen. I think you are delightful. 
Doris. I want you to meet my sister Patty. 

{Puts arm around Helen and passes her toward 
Patty, r. c. Patty and Helen shake hands. 
Doris goes to Fred, l.) 

Helen (c). I am so glad to meet you, Patty. I 
have heard so much about you. 

Patty (r. c). I'm afraid you didn't hear anything 
good about me. • - 

Helen. Oh, yes, indeed, and your joke last night was 
delicious. I don't see how you ever thought of such a 
clever thing. 

Patty. I'm afraid you didn't see it last night. 

Helen. No, but I do now. 

{All laugh; Helen goes to L. c. toward Doris.) 

Fred (to Doris) . What did you girls do to-day ? 

Patty (goes to r.)„ We went in town, did some 
shopping, had lunch at Filene's, and went to see Douglas 
Fairbanks. 

Fred (l.). That's a girl's sum total of bliss, isn't it? 
Shopping, lunch at Filene's, and Douglas Fairbanks. 
Good heavens, kid, if we all tried to imitate Douglas 
Fairbanks there wouldn't be any houses left to live in. 

(All laugh.) 

Enter Mr. Greene and Mr. Smith, talking, r. u. e. 

Bob. Well, here is Miss Braithwaite. Glad to see 
you. (Crosses down c. and shakes hands with her.) 
How is the headache? (Mr. S. comes down r. c.) 



52 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

Helen (l. c, smiling). Better, thank you. Good- 
evening, Mr. Smith. (Crosses R. c. ; shakes hands with 
him. Bob goes l. c.) Wnere is your wife? 

Mr. S. She's at the grab table just now. Your aunt 
has charge of it, I believe. What makes it so infernally 
popular ? 

Bob (l. c). Mystery, Smith, mystery. (Helen 
crosses back of Mr. S. to R. c. Mr. S. moves to Bob.) 
A woman will pay fifty cents for something she can't see, 
and balk at paying a dime for something really useful. 

Mr. S. ( R. of Bob) . The eternal feminine, you see — 
always consumed with curiosity. 

Doris (l., r. of Fred). That is most unkind, Frank- 
lin. I saw you there twice this evening. 

Mr. S. Oh, well, we have to please the ladies. 

Doris. That's right, hide behind our skirts. 

(Crosses back of Bob and Mr. S. to Helen, r. c.) 

Mr. S. If I weighed much more I wouldn't have much 
of a show, and as for some of these, — well — Japanese 
lantern effects— — (Bob snickers.) Say — did you see 
Mrs. Williams' dress? 

Bob. Some dress — what? (Winks.) 

Mr. S. Well — some. (They snicker together.) 

Bob. Have some more punch? 

Mr. S. I'm game. 

(They go up c, meeting Tom and Miss D., who enter 
and greet Bob and Mr. S. ; then Bob and Mr. S. 
exeunt, r. u. e. ) 

Fred (l.). Hi there, Tom, come and meet my sister 
Patty. (Tom comes down c. Patty runs off R. ie.) 
Here, come back here, you scamp. 

(Fred runs after her; Tom follows to r. i e. Miss D. 
comes down l.) 

Doris (c). They seem to be having a game of hide- 
and-seek. 



PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 53 

Helen (r. c). Your sister seems to be shy. 

Miss D. (l.). She knows the value of elusiveness, 
evidently. 

Helen. Yes ? 

Doris. Don't you want a little punch, my dear ? 

Helen. Why, yes, I should like some. I'll wait for 
Fred, however. 

(Doris goes back of Helen and sits at table; Helen 
moves l. c. Enter Fred and Tom, r. ie. ; Tom 

StOpS R.) 

Fred (crosses to c). I can't find her anywhere. Isn't 
she a terror? Here's Tom waiting to meet her and she 
bolts like a racer. Oh, well, she'll turn up in a minute. 
Come and have some punch, Helen. 

[Exit with Helen, r. u. e. 

Miss D. (goes over to table). Oh, Mrs. Greene, I 
wish we could have some dancing. Don't you adore 
dancing, Captain Braithwaite? 

Tom (r.). I can't say I'm particularly keen on it. 

Miss D. I just love it. Couldn't we roll the rugs up 
and use the living-room to dance in? (Goes l. C.) It's 
so nice and big, and we could use the phonograph. 

Doris (rises). Why, of course, if you wish. I'll get 
Bob and Franklin to fix it up for you. [Exit, R. u. E. 

Miss D. (l. c). Isn't that fine? I hope you're a 
good dancer, Captain. 

Tom (goes r. a). Fm afraid you'll find me a very 
poor one, Miss Dunbar. 

Miss D. When does your leave expire, Captain 
Braithwaite? 

Tom. That is always a secret, Miss Dunbar. 

Miss D. But surely it wouldn't make any difference 
if you only told me? 

Tom. I am not allowed to tell any one, Miss Dunbar, 
and I respect my country's commands. 

Miss D. (pouting). Oh, dear, soldiers are so im- 
movable. (Phonograph heard r.) Oh, I hear some 
music. They've started the phonograph — let's go and 
dance. 



54 PATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

{Takes his arm. He goes reluctantly. They exeunt, 

R. I E.) 

Enter Doris and Mrs. Smith, with Fred and Helen, 
r. u. e. Doris comes down to table, Mrs. S. down 
to settee l. and sits. Fred and Helen cross to c. 

Doris. If you two want to dance, the living-room is 
at your service, that is, if you can stand dancing by phono- 
graph. (Sits back of table.) 

Helen. I'm sure that will be delightful. 

Fred (takes her arm). Come on. 

[They exeunt, r. i e. 

Mrs. S. (seated l.). Do you suppose we can get our 
husbands to dance? Franklin used to dance whenever 
he had a chance, but now I have to bully him into it. 

Doris (seated at table). That's the worst about 
marrying a man — he promptly loses his love for dancing. 
(Looking r. over her shoulder.) Why — here they come 
now, and Patty, too. (Enter Patty, Bob, and Mr. S., 
r. u. e. Patty is between them and has her arms through 
theirs. They come c. laughing. ) There's dancing inside, 
Patty, if you want to dance. 

Patty (leaves Bob and Mr. S. and crosses back of 
Bob to r. of Doris). Dancing isn't much fun now. 
There's only husbands and kids to dance with. 

Doris. We have two gallant captains with us, but one 
is taken, and the other is sought after on all sides. Poor 
Captain Braithwaite, — the girls are crazy about him. 

(Mr. S., l. c, and Bob, r. c, come down c.) 

Bob (r. c). We poor stay-at-homes haven't a bit of a 
show with the girls, have we, Smithy? 

Mr. S. (l. a). We're dead, absolutely dead, Bob, 
when the soldiers show up. 

Mrs. S. Come on and show us you're not dead ones 
then. (Rises.) I'll have to ask you to dance, I guess. 

Mr. S. (takes her arm). All right, old lady, come on. 

[ They exeunt R. I e. 

Bob. Come on, Dot. ( Takes her arm. ) 



PATTY MARES THINGS HUM 55 

Doris (rises). Do you think I'd better leave the 
table? Patty — you stay here 'til I come back. 
Patty. All right, I'll stay by the ship. 

(Exeunt Bob and Doris, r. i e. Patty sits at table, 
knitting and humming to herself. Pause. Enter 
Tom and Fred, r. i e. ; Tom crosses l. c, talking. 
Fred pauses r.) 

Tom (crossing to l. c). Of course she's a nice girl, 
Fred, but she won't leave me alone a minute. She's clung 
to me all evening, and I'll be darned if I'll dance another 
dance with her. (Turns; sees Patty and stops l. c.) 

Fred. At last! (Patty rises and starts to run. 
Fred stops her. ) No, young lady, you stay^ right here. 
You have evaded us long enough, so now I'll present to 
you Captain Lionel Harcourt Braithwaite, D. S. O. 

Tom (l. c). Spare me, man. (Looks at Patty.) 
Indeed, Miss Little, I have been trying to meet you all 
evening, but for some reason have been unsuccessful. 
What are you knitting? 

Patty (holding up sock). I'll give you three guesses. 

(Comes c.) 

Fred (r.). Don't you know a sock when you see it? 

Tom (l. c). Aren't you going to give them to me? 

Patty (a). This is my first pair and I don't know 
how they will come out. 

Tom. Won't you give them to me anyway? 

Patty. You'd better wait 'til I'm an expert. There'll 
probably be lots of mistakes. 

Tom. I don't care. [Exit Fred, smiling, r. i e. 

Patty. I don't know what you think of me. 

Tom (goes toward her) . Do you want me to tell you ? 

Patty (coquettishly). I've always been a terrible 
tomboy. I suppose I've shocked you to death. 

Tom. The shock was a pleasant one at any rate. 

Patty. I suppose you think I'm terribly silly. 

Tom. I'll tell you what I think 

(Comes closer to her.) 



56 TATTY MAKES THINGS HUM 

Enter Miss Dunbar, r. 1 e. ; Tom steps back. 

Miss D. (r.). Oh, Captain Braithwaite, they're play- 
ing a fox trot now. Don't you want to come in :nd 
try it? 

Tom. You must excuse me, Miss Dunbar; Miss Little 
has promised me this dance. 

MissD. {coldly). Oh, in that case [Exit,R. 1 e. 

Patty (a). But I didn't promise to dance with you. 

Tom. Didn't you? 

Patty. You don't really know me at all. I'm a ter- 
rible tomboy. I've always been wild. 

Tom. Then I shall have a glorious time taming you. 

(Starts toward her. Patty runs off R. 1 e. with Tom 
after her.) 



CURTAIN 



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